finding a place to rest my head...

and my heart.

I have been musing. And searching. So many things have distracted me in this journey to purpose, although I am sure they are not truly distractions at all but the small trials that God puts us through- The tests that allow us to prove what we've been listening, that we've learned; to share a bit of wisdom with someone else.

But I don't feel quite ready to rest my head or my heart on any one thing just yet... one resounding revelation or discovery. It is interesting to me as I sit and write this that many of the things in my heart that have tempted me to sin are no longer temptations per say, merely annoyances that buzz up to my ear once in a while. The root of their obsession is mostly dead; resolved of being deprived air, water, time and thought. That comforts me and I figure it is another by-product of this journey.

In the days ahead I hope to focus on a few things particularly: 1. the outward self. You may argue there is not a lot of spiritual fruit brought forth out of such discipline, but I disagree. And if you are a woman, you know that there is a lot of soul-ties between the food we eat, the emotions we have, and the desires we give into based on the latter and influenced by the former. Or vice verse, depending on the day. :) Oh, what God must have known we'd do with the gift of emotions He gave us... the ways we'd manipulate and confuse their purposes. So, onto better choices in hopes that outward discipline and motivation will polish up the inner (wo)man.

2. Shutting down the Internet usage. Ok, not shutdown exactly. Perhaps screen is a better word. I am not one to "surf the net" as some do. But I will dig deeper and deeper into the few sites I do frequent in hopes of finding some... well, honestly, connection. Connection to something relevant in my life. And the triangles are vicious- emails, FB and Myspace... blogs, Yahoo news, AOL. You may be asking yourself, "didn't she just profess less Internet usage a little bit ago"? To save you the archive hunt- I did. And I will do it again. It's one of my vices. What can I say?

3. Prayer for my family. My husband, my daughter, my mom, my sister, my dad... they all need prayer. Just like I do, which I readily admit, but I have an advocate on my side (Christ) and they need someone to petition on their behalf. So I will.

4. Worship. Because could it ever be enough? Are words ever going to fully describe or music ever fully glorify? I think not. So I will focus on Him and see what comes out. God is glorious and the creativity is within me. Why not let Him draw out that which He already put in??


So there, a vagabond's hope. Some place to rest.

trying to figure it all out....

trying to figure it all out....
Ha ha, a simple task, right?

Deep within my soul is an akward unsettledness- I don't know how to truly be me. In the cry of my heart and soul there is a desperation to be who God wants me to be- who He created me to be. But what, exactly, is that? And how do I become it? Shall I listen to my heart? Well, I've made so many poor decisions following that little thing, let's not even go there. I'm kind of left without a guide unless I seek God. In God alone can I find the purpose for my life- the person that is me.

Because let's face it, life is worth living. Really living. Aren't we all a little over being bombarded with what life is "suppposed" to be and sorely disappointed when we taste it's bitterness? I don't want to be known as a girl that lived vicariously through the fabricated and tattered stories of TV sitcoms and movie characters! I settle for the mind-numbing resonance of the world- this and that, here and there, stressful work, stressful home, stressful relationships.... busyness, stress, running, dashing and barely breathing. Holding my breath for... well, I guess that's it- I don't know what.

"THERE'S MORE TO THIS!" my soul cries out, but how do I find it??

I pursue the Lord and draw near. He is the One who gave me the emotions I have and the dreams that seem ridiculous. He is the One who gave me tears and laughter; an insatiable love for cookies and ice cream and a sometimes uncomfortable knack for asking questions that cut to the heart. These qualities are precise, each one an exact piece that fits together to make the person, this girl, He desired to make and love... whoever she really is. He knows the great things He made me for... I need to find the path, travel the road and come to the exquisite places in His plan to feel fulfilled. I wonder if anything else will ever do...



I'm also reading- because the answer is not on TV or in movies. It's in the thoughts and souls of others who have pursued it. It's in daring conversations with those who have journeyed there and are clearing a path.


Redeeming Love, Wild at Heart, The Sacred Romance, Captivating, Unveiled, The Priest.... titles of books that inspire.

Do you have a book that inspires? Have you journeyed down the path a while?

Share a little, will you?

Redeeming Love

"She thought she had been saved by his love for her, and in part she had been. It had cleansed her, never casting blame. But that had been only the beginning. It was loving him in return that had brought her up out of the darkeness. What can I give him more than that? I would give him anything." (Redeeming Love. Francine Rivers)

I choose to give Him everything.

And it has been loving Him in return that has saved me out of the darkness. Not a man, but Jesus Himself. When His presence is near, when it lingers as a lover's does, my heart is made whole. And that is what I have wanted more than anything else. My heart made whole.

welcome back to the throne room

this woman is amazing! truly.

The first time I met her, I asked her an incredibly personal question- what should I do if I was a Christian having sex? She sat across from the bright-eyed freshman that I was, in the middle of the student center, tears flowing, and told me exactly what the Word of God said- Stop. It seems simple, but it changed my life. There has always been something about her that makes me feel safe and loved. Really loved. She changes my life.

(Bella took this picture... my kid is gifted. I need a bumper sticker!) :)


She came to visit me this past weekend, just a week or so before being deployed to Iraq. God sent her in a time of great need. She spoke to my spirit in a way few people can and she welcomed me back into the throne room of God. You'd figure after 7 years that there would be several hours of awkward reconnecting... not with Annie. It was instantaneous. It was wonderful. A piece of my heart goes with her to Iraq and I am so blessed to know her. The presence of God that she brought to our home is powerful. I miss her already, but I look forward with joy to many more hours and weekends spent seeking God together.

Oh, and she got to meet Bella.
They hit it off magnanimously!

thinking about the future

this morning was *definitely* one of those "Bella, sweetie, please give mommy 5 more minutes... mommy just needs a little more sleep" kind of mornings. (kind of like hitting the snooze, which I did for about an hour this morning. DON'T JUDGE, you're not here! you don't know! ;) (if it is any consolation, when she stopped making noise I woke right up- kinda freaked me out)

anyway, in one of those little periods of sleeping I was thinking about Bella going to college and I began to think that it would be really good if she didn't right after "high school"- if she goes. I began reasoning that she should work for 2 years or so and appreciate the experience of making money and having responsibility (*gasp!*), before starting college. can any 18 year old really appreciate the opportunity of getting a higher education if they haven't at least tasted the grunt of working class for a while? I was also thinking that even if she worked at mcdonald's (which she won't), she could do that anywhere in the world (yucky big corporation take over crap). work, see the world, and decide where she wants to pursue education. God bless state school education, but there's a whole lot more out there in the world, and I want her to see, taste and experience it all.


thoughts anyway.

what do you think?

ummmm

I don't have much to say....

sorry.


any questions?

I'd love to have a conversation, just not with myself. :D


Lemme know!

heart,
b

it's got me thinkin'....... that's for sure!

I really like the One Year Bible I got Jeff (Ok, *myself*) for Christmas 2, wait- maybe 3?, years ago. It's got a little bit o' old, little bit o' new... some wonderful excerpts from psalms and some daily wisdom- just about everything I need in my day! How 'bout you?

Today's was really good. A lot o' thinking going on today from it.
Like:
1. Isn't worship *awesome*?!!? First we offer up our sacrifice (our time, ourselves, our heart, our thoughts...), we worship Him and then we GO CELEBRATE. That's a pretty stinking cool process! (Deut. 26:5-11)

2. Should Jeff and I give a special tithe every three years to the men and women of God who serve us, foreigners, orphans and widows in our town so they have enough to eat? I mean, it's both practical and spiritual. I guess it's up to God- whichever way He leads. (Deut. 26:12)

3. Building an altar of uncut rocks seems to be of important significance. Cut rocks are polished and pretty (not the best word picture, but think of tombstones- some are ornate and intricate; beautiful even). But the Lord would rather the place of sacrifice be made of uncut stones. Kind of like our hearts, right? I mean, when I first came to the Lord my heart was a mess- jagged, sharp, unpolished. I laid my life down and He's been smoothing and shaping it ever since. Hmmmm. Uncut stones. (Deut. 27:5-9)

4. Once the Israelites entered the promised land the Levites (priests) pronounced curses on the people if they performed certain things (and everyone shouted "AMEN!"). 4/12 were sexual perversions. Yikes. (Deut. 27:14-26)

5. I am not shamelessly persistent. (Luke 11:5-8)

The Scripture I am going to memorize and quote over myself is the following:
"You have declared today that the LORD is your God. And you have promised to walk in His ways, and to obey His decrees, commands, and regulations, and to do everything He tells you. THE LORD HAS DECLARED TODAY THAT YOU ARE HIS PEOPLE, HIS OWN SPECIAL TREASURE, JUST AS HE PROMISED and that you must obey all His commands" Deut. 26:17,18

--- I am His people, His special treasure, JUST AS HE PROMISED.
I like God's promises. He doesn't break them.



That's all, folks.

Oh, Bella turns 4 next Saturday.
Wow.


LOVES