trying to figure it all out....
Ha ha, a simple task, right?
Deep within my soul is an akward unsettledness- I don't know how to truly be me. In the cry of my heart and soul there is a desperation to be who God wants me to be- who He created me to be. But what, exactly, is that? And how do I become it? Shall I listen to my heart? Well, I've made so many poor decisions following that little thing, let's not even go there. I'm kind of left without a guide unless I seek God. In God alone can I find the purpose for my life- the person that is me.
Because let's face it, life is worth living. Really living. Aren't we all a little over being bombarded with what life is "suppposed" to be and sorely disappointed when we taste it's bitterness? I don't want to be known as a girl that lived vicariously through the fabricated and tattered stories of TV sitcoms and movie characters! I settle for the mind-numbing resonance of the world- this and that, here and there, stressful work, stressful home, stressful relationships.... busyness, stress, running, dashing and barely breathing. Holding my breath for... well, I guess that's it- I don't know what.
"THERE'S MORE TO THIS!" my soul cries out, but how do I find it??
I pursue the Lord and draw near. He is the One who gave me the emotions I have and the dreams that seem ridiculous. He is the One who gave me tears and laughter; an insatiable love for cookies and ice cream and a sometimes uncomfortable knack for asking questions that cut to the heart. These qualities are precise, each one an exact piece that fits together to make the person, this girl, He desired to make and love... whoever she really is. He knows the great things He made me for... I need to find the path, travel the road and come to the exquisite places in His plan to feel fulfilled. I wonder if anything else will ever do...
I'm also reading- because the answer is not on TV or in movies. It's in the thoughts and souls of others who have pursued it. It's in daring conversations with those who have journeyed there and are clearing a path.
Redeeming Love, Wild at Heart, The Sacred Romance, Captivating, Unveiled, The Priest.... titles of books that inspire.
Do you have a book that inspires? Have you journeyed down the path a while?
Share a little, will you?
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4 comments:
Bianca by beautiful friend, you are certainly not alone in feeling unsettledness in your life. I think we all feel this at some point in our lives. I have had that feeling for the last ten years or so. Just now, at 35 years old, I am finally starting to understand the plan God has for my life. I used to be all about following my heart and having the "normal" life of a career, a husband, 2 and a half kids, a big house along with a mini van and umpteen animals. I see now that those were my plans not God's plans. I struggle everyday with trying to override my desires and listen to what God desires for my life. Certainly it would be easier to just live how I want to. To get caught up in the lives of television and movie stars, in movies and TV shows that keep me from thinking about reality so I can dream of having the things desire, but do not have. I just about killed me to get rid of my cable, but it has been the best thing that has happened to me! I could also be using my own "Hagar" and go out to find those things that I want. Instead I ask God for these things and wait patiently for Him to give me my hearts desire. I now understand that for me to feel complete and settled I need to listen and follow God’s plan for my life. I now desire deep down in my soul to give God what His hear desires from my life so that He can really provide me with the desires of my heart. That is the only way to really live my life!
God created in me this need to serve other people for a reason. He made me strong willed but soft hearted so that I can foster kids that need a strong but loving person in their lives. It surely is not what I ever expected to be doing. I have never enjoyed being around kids. Not until I started to really follow Jesus and commit my life to Him. He has changed me in ways that even surprises my mom, who didn’t think she would ever hear me say I wanted to care for other people’s children. God’s desires have really turned into my desires. I now see children as Jesus sees them. He is truly living in me and that sets my heart even more on fire for Him! He is all I will ever need and all I will ever truly desire again.
I love you and your wonderful writing. I wish I could express myself as beautifully as you do!
That last comment was from me, Tonda. I don't know how to use this and get my name on here! What a blond, hugh?
I think you perfectly expressed the deepest cry of every heart. The majority at least! thanks for being vulnerable. :) I was feeling like I was just getting things figured out in Chi-town with where we were and being a new mom and now I'm thrown into China and feel like I'm starting all over again. Praise God His mercies are new every morning 'cause I am making mistakes every day. I thank God that I am learning from them and that I have such a wonderful husband to support me!
Funny thing. God directed me to your blog today and I was instructed to point you to the answers that you seek. God has given me some life changing revelation, but it is far too much to put in one post. I will tell you this. Your were created to have power and authority. Thats why you feel out of place when your not in control. Bill collectors are slave owners and you are the slave. Seeing that God didn't give you a slave Spirit you become instantly depressed and irritated. The Bible says that a borrower becomes a SLAVE to the lender.
Also, society teaches you that you are a follower. It strains and restricts you. It tells you to be a good "christian" so you can go to heaven. (Did you know that Jesus never referred to Himself or His followers as "christian". In addition the word christian only occurs in the Bible 3 times and 2 of the 3 times its derogatory.) Society tries to kill the leader in you, but your heart will not allow it. Something inside of you screams out "THIS CAN'T BE ALL!" That something was placed inside of you by God Himself. Read Gen 1:26. First God gave you His image and then He gave you power. You see, there's nothing worse then a person with power and a poor self image ie Hilter.
Your asking the right questions and I'd like to speak with you further to help you discover the answers.
When you've got a moment send me an email at larissajones777@yahoo.com and we'll exhange info so that you can pull out your Bible and learn the truth about who you really are and why the enemy does everything he can to keep that voice screaming out/crying out in you surpressed.
I look forward to speaking with you soon!
Love,
Larissa
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