vulnerability

It crept in quietly, although I knew it's presence before I opened the door to it- isolation. I get that way sometimes- solitude seems like so much more of a comfort than talking "it" out. "It" being almost anything these days. It amazes me, in quite an uncomfortable way, how much harder it is to run than to talk. Because vulnerability won over tonight and my heart was out on the butcher's block. And despite the lack of confirmation of what I was saying, or it's importance to me, the weight was lifted. The weight of isolation that would have otherwise pulled me over into an abyss with little comfort and a whole lot of darkness.
I still think I need time alone, but more to be with Christ, not be by myself. It makes me laugh, all these people who think the answer to our lives lies within us... what's waiting there is a huge pile of stinky disappointment. I know, I've listened to it and tried to live by it. The elation is temporary and the joy fleeting. And quickly.
But letting someone in seems to bring more clarity and life.

So, tonight I let Jesus in and welcome vulnerability.

And I will sigh with contentment and rest sweetly tonight.

Thank you, Jesus.

Easter.....

Today we celebrated Easter at church and then moved on to the beach. It was wonderful- a little windy (and therefore chilly) but otherwise beautiful! Waves crashing, Bella and her friends chasing each other and digging in the sand, conversation with great friends and... happiness.
I loved it.


Today Jeff and I also went forward to celebrate that we are officially Seacoast Vineyard Church members. That was really exciting! God has showed us a lot on this journey. I know it has probably seemed that we were holding dear to old ways of thinking/living, but I think God has led us to embrace the very affectionate heart of Tim Holt and the vision to Live It (Christianity//God's love//our relationship with Jesus//...) and Give It! It's been fun to get to know new people here, start building a family here with others. Difficult at times, but fun! I still desperately need a hug from a few brothers and sisters back in IL, though. Anyone up for a little trip?

And Spring is in the air. What's better than that?

Ok, actually *being* Spring!!! Ha ha

Anyway, for now I love life and I am trying to embrace all that God has for me.

I hope you do the same!

LOVE
b

love

I love to love, don't you? To wrap your heart around someone and let it's beat set the pace for the adventure in discovering who that person is.

It's an amazing wonder we love at all, except God first loved us.

I marvel at the million-in-one ways we can show love, Christ being the greatest example.
So, for me, there is nothing greater than worship. Singing, laughing, crying and trembling. Sometimes with the crowds, sometimes sitting in the bumper to bumper. Because, for me, it can happen anywhere, anytime. God can stop my heart from beating with a simple whisper, a tender touch and I am gone. His presence is the sweetest perfume to me and yet I smell Him not. It's His unforgettable touch, His breathtaking power, His tenderness that captures me.

Thank God for the opportunity to worship. To stand in awe, to proclaim with great shouts, to cheer Him on.... He is marvelous. Truly and utterly.

King of the 'Jerks'

Jeff and I just attended the 2nd class of Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. It is incredible information and I really encourage anyone who is blessed to go, to go! It's so... major!

But one part of it today, like most financial seminars, makes a point of distinguishing between the "free spirit" spenders and the "nerds"- budget lovers who double check their spreadsheets before giving. And although neither Jeff nor I fit solely in one category or another, as most don't, we were both actually trying to lay claim to the nerd. Right there during the DVD seminar!! I'm like, yeah- controlling, organized, that's me! And Jeff was.... well, kind of just attached to the Nerd title. Which is why I reached over and drew a pair of lips on his hand. It was my peace offering.
;) Now, he truly is nerdy in many ways! He's no Jake Ryan, but I think for the most part he is more loose with money than I am. He puts up a very convincing front, but when pushed (and I mean pushed as in make a pouty face) and he caves. It's a noble attempt, but his nerd facade doesn't last long.

And I love him for it.


But, like I said, he's nerdy in a thousand other ways, which I humbly lay down. He can have those things, and I lay claim to free spirited in all the others.

:D
LOVE,
b


(Note: the title and use of randomly placed 80's phrases is a tribute to Sixteen Candles which I watched this weekend. Thank God for 80's movies!!!)

It was wonderful!

thank you to all that prayed for me about singing with the worship team this past weekend. it was very fun, fulfilling and actually worshipful. (thank you, Jesus)

we sang a song called Brighter Day- which i totally *love*! it has a little gospel choir feel to it, which explains why i love it so. i sure miss those good ol' gospel choir days- traveling to Milwaukee, visiting some ol' soulful black churches and swaying to the preacher's preachin'- "Come on!" "Preach it!" "Yes, sir!"

good times!

i just told jeff i feel the old junkie is back- i'm addicted to Lost. i stayed up to an ungodly hour last night (although i actually hear it is an hour God wakes some to pray- although that was *CLEARLY* NOT what i was doing last night)! i have started with the pilot and i can't get over how fresh and simple it was at the start. jack & kate... (sigh). charlie and locke... what a pair! hurley... 'nuff said!



i'm a little sad that i won't be singing with the team this weekend (i have baby duty- YEA!) but it's probably for the best. i'm feeling like there's a lot on my plate right now, and uncharacteristically, i don't seem to have the energy or the passion to get it all done. (must be the junkie drawing all my energy... when can i get my next Lost fix????) ;)

it's time to not sweat the little stuff.

or kick my butt in gear.


one or the other.




love you!

I am so lame!

and looking for female-led worship music.

yes, these two things go together! let me lay it out for you:

i love jesus. he is so amazing and there is nothing i enjoy more than singing my heart out to him! i love singing, swaying and clapping my hands, raising my arms and tapping my feet to a tune that expresses my heart for him.

i have been desiring to be "mentored" concerning worship- worship leading, song writing- everything. and tonight after practicing with the worship team for 4 months, i get my chance- sing lead while the band backs. yea! i am so excited! "what song?" oh, we only sing male-led songs... ugh. "what song do you feel more comfortable singing", ugh, i don't know... whatever you pick out. "sing the melody"- wait! i only ever sing harmony... let me listen to you sing it first, then i'll sing. fear, worry, insecurity, nervousness, general lameness. what is wrong with me?? how can i ask and seek with one voice and choke up the next?

so, now i want to collect some female-led worship music that i can listen to and practice. i want to sit in God's presence and ask him to take away this nervousness and replace it with humility and grace (mostly to sing well). and i want to practice until i can do it well.

and i want to pursue the passion of inviting God into our midst, drawing him with love songs, and i want to do it well. to please him and to draw others in.

and i am going to need a LOT of help.

wow

"I want to make Jesus so attractive people will choose him." DL Moody