God's Love Changed Everything

returning...

2008-08-06T05:13:00.000-07:00

Confession is good for the soul, so here I go: I haven't opened my One Year Bible in a month. :( It's true. But I opened it yesterday and again today. It's amazing- I'm now in Ezra- rebuilding the Temple. Of course. It makes me want to cry, the ability of God to touch my life with perfect accuracy. Like an arrow, He pierces my heart. He's a fine hunter, seeking out my life, my heart... tracking me down and piercing it with His glorious, overwhelming love. And why not? He's a *jealous* God. Which expresses itself in both intolerant wrath and inconceivable love. He's amazing. I can't imagine my life without His faithful, unfailing love. It sustains me.

"When the builders completed the foundation of the LORD'S Temple, the priests put on their robes and took their places to blow their trumpets. And the Levites, descendants of Asaph, clashed their cymbals to praise the LORD, just as King David had prescribed. With praise and thanks, they sang this song to the LORD:
"He is so good!
His faithful love for Israel
endures forever!"
Then all the people gave a great shout, praising the LORD because the foundation for the LORD'S Temple had been laid. But many of the older priests, Levites, and other leaders who had seen the first Temple wept aloud when they saw the new Temple's foundation. The others, however, were shouting for joy. The joyful shouting and weeping mingled together in a loud noise that could be heard far in the distance."
(Ezra 3:10-13)

Some shouted praise. Others wept.
It's good.

Having to build a new foundation where one had already been laid is a sad thing to have to do. If you have been on this journey following God you have probably had to do it more than once. It's not an easy journey. And it's sad to rebuild the dwelling place of God in your life (don't go get all literal on me- if you know, you know).
At the same time, the new foundation is an occasion for great rejoicing... it's cleansing, promising and a testimony of His incredibly love and forgiveness.

Praise His Holy Name!
He IS SO GOOD!

finding a place to rest my head...

2008-07-24T19:34:00.000-07:00

and my heart.

I have been musing. And searching. So many things have distracted me in this journey to purpose, although I am sure they are not truly distractions at all but the small trials that God puts us through- The tests that allow us to prove what we've been listening, that we've learned; to share a bit of wisdom with someone else.

But I don't feel quite ready to rest my head or my heart on any one thing just yet... one resounding revelation or discovery. It is interesting to me as I sit and write this that many of the things in my heart that have tempted me to sin are no longer temptations per say, merely annoyances that buzz up to my ear once in a while. The root of their obsession is mostly dead; resolved of being deprived air, water, time and thought. That comforts me and I figure it is another by-product of this journey.

In the days ahead I hope to focus on a few things particularly: 1. the outward self. You may argue there is not a lot of spiritual fruit brought forth out of such discipline, but I disagree. And if you are a woman, you know that there is a lot of soul-ties between the food we eat, the emotions we have, and the desires we give into based on the latter and influenced by the former. Or vice verse, depending on the day. :) Oh, what God must have known we'd do with the gift of emotions He gave us... the ways we'd manipulate and confuse their purposes. So, onto better choices in hopes that outward discipline and motivation will polish up the inner (wo)man.

2. Shutting down the Internet usage. Ok, not shutdown exactly. Perhaps screen is a better word. I am not one to "surf the net" as some do. But I will dig deeper and deeper into the few sites I do frequent in hopes of finding some... well, honestly, connection. Connection to something relevant in my life. And the triangles are vicious- emails, FB and Myspace... blogs, Yahoo news, AOL. You may be asking yourself, "didn't she just profess less Internet usage a little bit ago"? To save you the archive hunt- I did. And I will do it again. It's one of my vices. What can I say?

3. Prayer for my family. My husband, my daughter, my mom, my sister, my dad... they all need prayer. Just like I do, which I readily admit, but I have an advocate on my side (Christ) and they need someone to petition on their behalf. So I will.

4. Worship. Because could it ever be enough? Are words ever going to fully describe or music ever fully glorify? I think not. So I will focus on Him and see what comes out. God is glorious and the creativity is within me. Why not let Him draw out that which He already put in??

So there, a vagabond's hope. Some place to rest.

trying to figure it all out....

2008-06-05T21:28:00.000-07:00

trying to figure it all out....
Ha ha, a simple task, right?

Deep within my soul is an akward unsettledness- I don't know how to truly be me. In the cry of my heart and soul there is a desperation to be who God wants me to be- who He created me to be. But what, exactly, is that? And how do I become it? Shall I listen to my heart? Well, I've made so many poor decisions following that little thing, let's not even go there. I'm kind of left without a guide unless I seek God. In God alone can I find the purpose for my life- the person that is me.

Because let's face it, life is worth living. Really living. Aren't we all a little over being bombarded with what life is "suppposed" to be and sorely disappointed when we taste it's bitterness? I don't want to be known as a girl that lived vicariously through the fabricated and tattered stories of TV sitcoms and movie characters! I settle for the mind-numbing resonance of the world- this and that, here and there, stressful work, stressful home, stressful relationships.... busyness, stress, running, dashing and barely breathing. Holding my breath for... well, I guess that's it- I don't know what.

"THERE'S MORE TO THIS!" my soul cries out, but how do I find it??

I pursue the Lord and draw near. He is the One who gave me the emotions I have and the dreams that seem ridiculous. He is the One who gave me tears and laughter; an insatiable love for cookies and ice cream and a sometimes uncomfortable knack for asking questions that cut to the heart. These qualities are precise, each one an exact piece that fits together to make the person, this girl, He desired to make and love... whoever she really is. He knows the great things He made me for... I need to find the path, travel the road and come to the exquisite places in His plan to feel fulfilled. I wonder if anything else will ever do...

I'm also reading- because the answer is not on TV or in movies. It's in the thoughts and souls of others who have pursued it. It's in daring conversations with those who have journeyed there and are clearing a path.

Redeeming Love, Wild at Heart, The Sacred Romance, Captivating, Unveiled, The Priest.... titles of books that inspire.

Do you have a book that inspires? Have you journeyed down the path a while?

Share a little, will you?

Redeeming Love

2008-05-28T08:36:00.000-07:00

"She thought she had been saved by his love for her, and in part she had been. It had cleansed her, never casting blame. But that had been only the beginning. It was loving him in return that had brought her up out of the darkeness. What can I give him more than that? I would give him anything." (Redeeming Love. Francine Rivers)

I choose to give Him everything.

And it has been loving Him in return that has saved me out of the darkness. Not a man, but Jesus Himself. When His presence is near, when it lingers as a lover's does, my heart is made whole. And that is what I have wanted more than anything else. My heart made whole.

welcome back to the throne room

2008-05-07T08:44:00.001-07:00

this woman is amazing! truly.

The first time I met her, I asked her an incredibly personal question- what should I do if I was a Christian having sex? She sat across from the bright-eyed freshman that I was, in the middle of the student center, tears flowing, and told me exactly what the Word of God said- Stop. It seems simple, but it changed my life. There has always been something about her that makes me feel safe and loved. Really loved. She changes my life.

(Bella took this picture... my kid is gifted. I need a bumper sticker!) :)

She came to visit me this past weekend, just a week or so before being deployed to Iraq. God sent her in a time of great need. She spoke to my spirit in a way few people can and she welcomed me back into the throne room of God. You'd figure after 7 years that there would be several hours of awkward reconnecting... not with Annie. It was instantaneous. It was wonderful. A piece of my heart goes with her to Iraq and I am so blessed to know her. The presence of God that she brought to our home is powerful. I miss her already, but I look forward with joy to many more hours and weekends spent seeking God together.

Oh, and she got to meet Bella.
They hit it off magnanimously!

thinking about the future

2008-04-18T08:35:00.000-07:00

this morning was *definitely* one of those "Bella, sweetie, please give mommy 5 more minutes... mommy just needs a little more sleep" kind of mornings. (kind of like hitting the snooze, which I did for about an hour this morning. DON'T JUDGE, you're not here! you don't know! ;) (if it is any consolation, when she stopped making noise I woke right up- kinda freaked me out)

anyway, in one of those little periods of sleeping I was thinking about Bella going to college and I began to think that it would be really good if she didn't right after "high school"- if she goes. I began reasoning that she should work for 2 years or so and appreciate the experience of making money and having responsibility (*gasp!*), before starting college. can any 18 year old really appreciate the opportunity of getting a higher education if they haven't at least tasted the grunt of working class for a while? I was also thinking that even if she worked at mcdonald's (which she won't), she could do that anywhere in the world (yucky big corporation take over crap). work, see the world, and decide where she wants to pursue education. God bless state school education, but there's a whole lot more out there in the world, and I want her to see, taste and experience it all.

thoughts anyway.

what do you think?

ummmm

2008-04-16T21:58:00.000-07:00

I don't have much to say....

sorry.

any questions?

I'd love to have a conversation, just not with myself. :D

Lemme know!

heart,
b

it's got me thinkin'....... that's for sure!

2008-04-04T19:38:00.000-07:00

I really like the One Year Bible I got Jeff (Ok, *myself*) for Christmas 2, wait- maybe 3?, years ago. It's got a little bit o' old, little bit o' new... some wonderful excerpts from psalms and some daily wisdom- just about everything I need in my day! How 'bout you?

Today's was really good. A lot o' thinking going on today from it.
Like:
1. Isn't worship *awesome*?!!? First we offer up our sacrifice (our time, ourselves, our heart, our thoughts...), we worship Him and then we GO CELEBRATE. That's a pretty stinking cool process! (Deut. 26:5-11)

2. Should Jeff and I give a special tithe every three years to the men and women of God who serve us, foreigners, orphans and widows in our town so they have enough to eat? I mean, it's both practical and spiritual. I guess it's up to God- whichever way He leads. (Deut. 26:12)

3. Building an altar of uncut rocks seems to be of important significance. Cut rocks are polished and pretty (not the best word picture, but think of tombstones- some are ornate and intricate; beautiful even). But the Lord would rather the place of sacrifice be made of uncut stones. Kind of like our hearts, right? I mean, when I first came to the Lord my heart was a mess- jagged, sharp, unpolished. I laid my life down and He's been smoothing and shaping it ever since. Hmmmm. Uncut stones. (Deut. 27:5-9)

4. Once the Israelites entered the promised land the Levites (priests) pronounced curses on the people if they performed certain things (and everyone shouted "AMEN!"). 4/12 were sexual perversions. Yikes. (Deut. 27:14-26)

5. I am not shamelessly persistent. (Luke 11:5-8)

The Scripture I am going to memorize and quote over myself is the following:
"You have declared today that the LORD is your God. And you have promised to walk in His ways, and to obey His decrees, commands, and regulations, and to do everything He tells you. THE LORD HAS DECLARED TODAY THAT YOU ARE HIS PEOPLE, HIS OWN SPECIAL TREASURE, JUST AS HE PROMISED and that you must obey all His commands" Deut. 26:17,18

--- I am His people, His special treasure, JUST AS HE PROMISED.
I like God's promises. He doesn't break them.

That's all, folks.

Oh, Bella turns 4 next Saturday.
Wow.

LOVES

vulnerability

2008-03-26T18:59:00.001-07:00

It crept in quietly, although I knew it's presence before I opened the door to it- isolation. I get that way sometimes- solitude seems like so much more of a comfort than talking "it" out. "It" being almost anything these days. It amazes me, in quite an uncomfortable way, how much harder it is to run than to talk. Because vulnerability won over tonight and my heart was out on the butcher's block. And despite the lack of confirmation of what I was saying, or it's importance to me, the weight was lifted. The weight of isolation that would have otherwise pulled me over into an abyss with little comfort and a whole lot of darkness.
I still think I need time alone, but more to be with Christ, not be by myself. It makes me laugh, all these people who think the answer to our lives lies within us... what's waiting there is a huge pile of stinky disappointment. I know, I've listened to it and tried to live by it. The elation is temporary and the joy fleeting. And quickly.
But letting someone in seems to bring more clarity and life.

So, tonight I let Jesus in and welcome vulnerability.

And I will sigh with contentment and rest sweetly tonight.

Thank you, Jesus.

Easter.....

2008-03-23T21:12:00.000-07:00

Today we celebrated Easter at church and then moved on to the beach. It was wonderful- a little windy (and therefore chilly) but otherwise beautiful! Waves crashing, Bella and her friends chasing each other and digging in the sand, conversation with great friends and... happiness.
I loved it.

Today Jeff and I also went forward to celebrate that we are officially Seacoast Vineyard Church members. That was really exciting! God has showed us a lot on this journey. I know it has probably seemed that we were holding dear to old ways of thinking/living, but I think God has led us to embrace the very affectionate heart of Tim Holt and the vision to Live It (Christianity//God's love//our relationship with Jesus//...) and Give It! It's been fun to get to know new people here, start building a family here with others. Difficult at times, but fun! I still desperately need a hug from a few brothers and sisters back in IL, though. Anyone up for a little trip?

And Spring is in the air. What's better than that?

Ok, actually *being* Spring!!! Ha ha

Anyway, for now I love life and I am trying to embrace all that God has for me.

I hope you do the same!

LOVE
b

love

2008-03-20T20:25:00.000-07:00

I love to love, don't you? To wrap your heart around someone and let it's beat set the pace for the adventure in discovering who that person is.

It's an amazing wonder we love at all, except God first loved us.

I marvel at the million-in-one ways we can show love, Christ being the greatest example.
So, for me, there is nothing greater than worship. Singing, laughing, crying and trembling. Sometimes with the crowds, sometimes sitting in the bumper to bumper. Because, for me, it can happen anywhere, anytime. God can stop my heart from beating with a simple whisper, a tender touch and I am gone. His presence is the sweetest perfume to me and yet I smell Him not. It's His unforgettable touch, His breathtaking power, His tenderness that captures me.

Thank God for the opportunity to worship. To stand in awe, to proclaim with great shouts, to cheer Him on.... He is marvelous. Truly and utterly.

King of the 'Jerks'

2008-03-17T19:25:00.000-07:00

Jeff and I just attended the 2nd class of Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. It is incredible information and I really encourage anyone who is blessed to go, to go! It's so... major!

But one part of it today, like most financial seminars, makes a point of distinguishing between the "free spirit" spenders and the "nerds"- budget lovers who double check their spreadsheets before giving. And although neither Jeff nor I fit solely in one category or another, as most don't, we were both actually trying to lay claim to the nerd. Right there during the DVD seminar!! I'm like, yeah- controlling, organized, that's me! And Jeff was.... well, kind of just attached to the Nerd title. Which is why I reached over and drew a pair of lips on his hand. It was my peace offering.
;) Now, he truly is nerdy in many ways! He's no Jake Ryan, but I think for the most part he is more loose with money than I am. He puts up a very convincing front, but when pushed (and I mean pushed as in make a pouty face) and he caves. It's a noble attempt, but his nerd facade doesn't last long.

And I love him for it.

But, like I said, he's nerdy in a thousand other ways, which I humbly lay down. He can have those things, and I lay claim to free spirited in all the others.

:D
LOVE,
b

(Note: the title and use of randomly placed 80's phrases is a tribute to Sixteen Candles which I watched this weekend. Thank God for 80's movies!!!)

It was wonderful!

2008-03-10T14:46:00.001-07:00

thank you to all that prayed for me about singing with the worship team this past weekend. it was very fun, fulfilling and actually worshipful. (thank you, Jesus)

we sang a song called Brighter Day- which i totally *love*! it has a little gospel choir feel to it, which explains why i love it so. i sure miss those good ol' gospel choir days- traveling to Milwaukee, visiting some ol' soulful black churches and swaying to the preacher's preachin'- "Come on!" "Preach it!" "Yes, sir!"

good times!

i just told jeff i feel the old junkie is back- i'm addicted to Lost. i stayed up to an ungodly hour last night (although i actually hear it is an hour God wakes some to pray- although that was *CLEARLY* NOT what i was doing last night)! i have started with the pilot and i can't get over how fresh and simple it was at the start. jack & kate... (sigh). charlie and locke... what a pair! hurley... 'nuff said!

i'm a little sad that i won't be singing with the team this weekend (i have baby duty- YEA!) but it's probably for the best. i'm feeling like there's a lot on my plate right now, and uncharacteristically, i don't seem to have the energy or the passion to get it all done. (must be the junkie drawing all my energy... when can i get my next Lost fix????) ;)

it's time to not sweat the little stuff.

or kick my butt in gear.

one or the other.

love you!

I am so lame!

2008-03-06T20:07:00.000-08:00

and looking for female-led worship music.

yes, these two things go together! let me lay it out for you:

i love jesus. he is so amazing and there is nothing i enjoy more than singing my heart out to him! i love singing, swaying and clapping my hands, raising my arms and tapping my feet to a tune that expresses my heart for him.

i have been desiring to be "mentored" concerning worship- worship leading, song writing- everything. and tonight after practicing with the worship team for 4 months, i get my chance- sing lead while the band backs. yea! i am so excited! "what song?" oh, we only sing male-led songs... ugh. "what song do you feel more comfortable singing", ugh, i don't know... whatever you pick out. "sing the melody"- wait! i only ever sing harmony... let me listen to you sing it first, then i'll sing. fear, worry, insecurity, nervousness, general lameness. what is wrong with me?? how can i ask and seek with one voice and choke up the next?

so, now i want to collect some female-led worship music that i can listen to and practice. i want to sit in God's presence and ask him to take away this nervousness and replace it with humility and grace (mostly to sing well). and i want to practice until i can do it well.

and i want to pursue the passion of inviting God into our midst, drawing him with love songs, and i want to do it well. to please him and to draw others in.

and i am going to need a LOT of help.

wow

2008-03-03T06:33:00.001-08:00

"I want to make Jesus so attractive people will choose him." DL Moody

a quiet return

2008-02-26T18:20:00.000-08:00

blah blah blah busy blah blah blah no Internet blah blah blah

Phew! I am glad we got that excuse portion of this return blog out of the way. Kind of dreaded it anyway.

On to new things: 1st, did you see that Jeff stole my blog layout!!? I guess that's his subtle way of seeing if I still read his blog, which granted I don't much, but really.. it was my layout first!
2nd Bella has been going to school in a homeschooling co-op on Mondays. She currently attends Tumbling and the Good News Club. Soooooooooooooo cute! It is the best feeling bringing her there. I feel like a real mom. In case Jeff hasn't bragged on her (which I don't know because I don't read his blog ;-), Bella has been learning sign language and is really good at it! I am so impressed! She can sign many animals now, please, thank you, help, mommy, daddy... she's INCREDIBLE!
3rdly- for those of you who knew my mom wasn't well, the results are in and she has MS. She is injecting herself every other day with a protein that is supposed to stop the progression and lessen the frequency of flare ups. She was losing her hair, but I cut it into a cute little bob and she's looking adorable. She is doing well for the most part, but is trying to recover financially. Please pray for a full-time job with benefits.
4th- I still enjoy working at the natural food store. It is really a lot of fun and I'm learning a lot. I have cut out processed sugar from my diet and wheat/gluten. I have also been going to the gym, albeit only 2 times a week, but I'm getting there. I have dropped ~10 pounds and feeling much better for it. I feel a little of my old self rising up (the drill sergeant) and it's nice to have her back.
5- my dad and sister are moving to Arizona. I already miss them a ton, so please agree with me that God will be gracious and merciful and let me see them soon. Gosh, I love them!
6- I have started a new job with my friend Jason Killam. He is a real estate agent and I am learning a *bunch* from him. He is really one of the most benevolent and kind-hearted people. Thank God for him and the chance to make some 'extra' money from home. (I say 'extra' because it is much needed!!)
7-More? I don't know if there is right now. But as soon as I think of something, I promise to try and post it.
8- I am watching Lost- and joining a fairly large group of Americans that do (some GREAT friends included) and I may ask questions from time to time, so help a sista out when she can't figure out what the heck is going on!! On that note who died at the end of the last season, anyway? Who was in the coffin???

I love all of you that still check this out from time to time. Thank you.

God be with you!

MUAH!
b

Good for the soul....

2007-12-30T18:37:00.001-08:00

and it's not southern cookin'!

It's friends.

Friends who warm your heart with a hello and a hug. It's looking into the eyes of someone who loves you and laughs at your silliness. Someone who says, "Hey, I thought of you the other day..." A quick text that says Hey, call me (*smiles*). Friends. Friends are amazing and I can personally say I love my friends. I was so excited to go home to see and hug everyone I have missed since moving to South Carolina. It was good for my soul to sit and chat with them... something not afforded to us because of the business of life. Man- I really love and miss you guys! Thank you for giving us some time during a fast paced season.

But something occurred to me last night as we sat preparing for the lesson in the nursery today- I was so EXCITED about going back to church and seeing all the new friends we have... I realized how much I missed them. It's scary and intimidating getting to know new people; finding your place in a new family. But y'all are making it real easy. You are trustworthy, fun, faithful and loving. I see God working through you and I can see His heart within you. You shine brightly and I love you for it! I am SO grateful God is knitting us together!

Y'all are good for my soul!

:)

Needing YOU

2007-12-14T05:29:00.000-08:00

I am living in the dissonance of having left home and trying to make a new one... where life isn't everything you thought it would be, and it isn't what it used to be, either. Not that it is a new feeling for a person... it's just the update. I enjoy living in a sunny warm climate, although I think regular views of the endless ocean are needed. It seems to calm the soul in ways few other things do... like deep, long challenging conversations with friends, both old and new. I want to touch the eternal and since it resides in each of us, I think we need to 'tap the collective' :) Who's with me?????

I can't put into the words the excitement I feel in coming home for Christmas- hugging my sister, walking into my home (CITW all the way, baby!), and hugging everyone I have missed these past months (while trying not to cry).

I hope it snows really hard and I can't come home for a couple weeks! Whatcha think?

Lights dancing on the crashing waves

2007-11-20T14:50:00.000-08:00

I wrote this Nov. 14th in my journal:

Tonight I desire the black of night and the sea to surround me.
I remember the beauty of lights dancing on the crashing waves...
the intimacy and the company of a million stars by my side.
Reaching out to touch You.
Speaking softly in the wind.
Longing to know You, my God.

The waves softly call, the wind kisses my skin...
tossing my hair.
Yet in the midst of loneliness is a yearning fulfilled...
a heart that is full of You.

It's my heart's cry: to find something familiar again.
A chair, a road, a laugh, a smile.
Right now it is has to be Him because I am in a land far from where I know anything...

Beautiful

2007-11-08T19:14:00.002-08:00

An amazing tribute to a loving God and the people He places in our lives.

'You are so Good', Merchant Band

You searched me out
You know all my days
You see all my doubts
You know all my ways

Where can I go?
Where can I run?
You've seen it all before
and You paid for me with love

You are so good
You never leave when I think You should
You are so kind
With all You see, You still give me life

You see my heart
Each movement it makes
From the weakest cry
to the highest of praise

And when I call
You lift me up
You've seen it all before
and You paid for me with love

You are so good
You never leave when I think You should
You are so kind
With all You see You still give me life
You still give me life

I'll let You see me
I'll let You love me
I'll let You hold me until You're done
I'll let You break me
I'll let You fix me
I'll let You shape me until we're one

You are so good
You never leave when I think You should
You are so kind
With all You see, You still give me life....

I was driving home today from worship practice incredibly moved... I had a deep appreciation for the amazing relationships God has given me with beautiful people I love (who never left when I thought they should) and at the same time a gnawing ache for new love relationships with people all around me...

I thank God for love. I said it tonight at practice- I want to be loved and I want to love.

"Part of Me is Invincible"

2007-10-25T19:17:00.001-07:00

This is quoted from a new friend, Rachel, in our worship small group this evening.
I love it. It seems to perfectly express this genuine apathy I feel towards the circumstances in my life because I just trust God. Sure, I get down about trials and pressures like everyone else, but not for long. And that is not to brag in my own strength or faith- but really to applaud God rising up in me. To give glory to His goodness in my life, and the peace He envelopes me in. There is a resilience in me that won't be moved, won't be pushed down and can't be ignored. I am just done with this world. I give up. If Christ did nothing else for me, I wouldn't care a bit. He washes me of my sins, cleanses me and makes me new. He is before me, beside me and in front of me. I don't need anything else.

I get a small measure of joy in this thought- the devil is annoyed by this Invisibility I posses in Christ. First, I thank God my name is in the Lamb's Book of Life, then I smile at how the devil won for but a moment. He'll try again, but the outcome will be the same.

Part of me is invincible!

tune in.... next up: more worship!

2007-10-24T14:16:00.001-07:00

I have been super tired this last week or so- a result of stress as far as I can figure. Interesting thing has been happening, though, and it's refreshing (and a little annoying- read and you'll understand).

Apparently moving, staying home with a wonderfully active (read: overly)3 1/2 year old, moving again, joining a new church family, my mom almost moving into the hospital (two weekends out of four), and trying to catch up on bills as best as possible has finally caught up with me- not that I would ever complain about these things individually (Ok, maybe the money), but when I put them together I realize I may be a little overwhelmed. On top of that, add some interesting physical weirdness, and I concede- stress is winning. Anyway, I was laying down with Bella the other afternoon, proud that we had gotten a nap in, when Jeff calls. I miss the call (yes, intentionally), but the ringtone keeps me up for the next hour. Every time I close my eyes my mind is singing some lines from the worship set this past Sunday. Every. Time. My nap time, with adorable Bella next to me in bed, turns into an afternoon of radio channel flipping between this worship chorus and that. Wow. I guess my spirit is trying to say something. Which, I guess, isn't that bad after all.

In the meantime, we did enjoy some seasonal fun: Indigo Farm (like, the ONLY one in around- and it's technically in North Carolina) Family Pumpkin Day. Super Fun.
Jeff was the photographer, as usual.
Enjoy!

We kind of just let her wander..... :)

SO CUTE!

And this, well, this is what makes it all worth it!
:D

WE LOVE YOU

Prayers for my mom

2007-10-18T10:47:00.000-07:00

I have dragged my computer to the porch, extension chord laid out (if I go just far enough, I get internet connection), to bring this sincere request to you: please pray for my mom. For over a month now she has been plagued with numerous (sometimes changing daily) physical ailments and has been in and out of the hospital at least 5 times. She went back to work today and was told by her boss that a month or two break would be a good idea. She is devastated and already dealing with many, many stresses that have her depressed. She needs God's presence so seriously right now- His comfort, His peace, His understanding and His wisdom. She needs deliverance from these crazy sicknesses and this oppressive depression. She needs clarity of mind and the joy of the Lord. And she really needs her job. Or another one. Whatever God provides.

And please pray for me, too. She called me and I think I was her first call. I just don't know what to do, or say. I feel so lost as to how to help. I just told her Jesus was with her, that she should speak to someone with more wisdom than me, and that we will get through this together (with Jesus). I couldn't stress Him enough.

And to be completely honest with you, this call came after battling in faith for finances of our own. I am so glad we prayed and stood against the attack of our enemy for our own lives. God, I am SO GLAD YOU DEFEATED the devil. Man. It's good to know he is a completely, publicly defeated foe (loser). AND it's great to know You are FOR US and not against us- that You provide a way out, that You care. Thank God!

So of you I ask (beg) please pray for my mom. She is such a beautiful person and a child of God that needs to be lifted out of the murkiness that is her life right now.

Thank you.

Really, thank you so much.

I love you.

Home...

2007-10-04T18:58:00.000-07:00

It feels like I have just arrived home. A few minutes ago I walked in the door from my first worship team practice. I am soooo pumped! (Be glad you are not like my mom and laying down in bed when I came bounding in with this news! I even jumped on her bed a little ... hehehe) It was WONDERFUL! Something about being together worshiping God and using a gift you haven't used in quite a while. It was SO FUN! I wish I had been bold enough to ask them to go out to Starbucks afterwards or something... it was AWESOME!

I am also starting a business with my cousin Melissa. We decided to participate in a local church's yard and bake sale... selling some of our family's stuff (since we don't have much of our own) and selling pure vanilla extract. I may have gotten a little bit ahead of myself, but I put together a website to be ready when Oprah calls (yeah, right!) BusyMomsGourmetFoods.googlepages.com We are selling organic and natural sweets (my PERSONAL favorite) and hope to make a little, ok *lot*, of money. Thank You, Jesus!

Love you guys!
:)
b

Love

2007-09-23T20:48:00.000-07:00

"We all wanna to be loved, loved, looooved. We all want just a little respect, ya-e-ah. We all wanna be looooooved- tell me what's wrong with that?" DC TALK

Today our Youth Pastor preached the third message in a series titled "Naturally Supernatural". It was a good message and I enjoyed it. One of the things God blessed me with was this: "God made you to love you."

God made me, Bianca, to love me, Bianca.
God loves Bianca.
It's not new news, but it's good news.

I want another child for the same reason. I want to share my love with another child. I want Bella love a sibling like I deeply love my lil' sista. I want our family to grow in it's love out-put.
I am not always a loving person. I get angry and yell. I even push back when I get angry and backed into a corner emotionally. It's true. I just hope you (collectively, all) have received more love from me than anger, more love than disappointment, and more love than apathy. I want to be a lover. Not....well.... anything else.

Another note of freedom from today's message: God gives gifts to me (prophecy, words of knowledge, wisdom, healing, miracles, etc.) so that He can bless others through me even though He knows that I screw up sometimes and things get messy. He still wants me to be involved in the whole gift-giving process. (Example- He wants to give someone the gift of joy- He uses me to give them a word of knowledge concerning their life- I get uncomfortable and stumble over my words- it gets awkward, but the person still receives the gift of joy. God could have done it infinitely better than me, but He wants me to be a part of the wonder of giving gifts to others.)

Because He is a lover.
I want to be one, too.

Love is a choice, an action, a much sought after emotion. It reaches the depths of a person in ways nothing else can; it makes people whole and has the power to change people. It's beautiful, wonderful, hard and painful. It sacrifices, surrenders, has courage and is brave.

A person who possesses love must be the same way.

God, please help me to be a lover- one who is patient, kind, that does not envy, does not have pride. Help me to be a lover that isn't rude, selfish or provoked. Help me to be a lover that rejoices in truth and righteousness. Help me to be a strong lover that believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things. Help me to be a lover that never stops loving.

I LUV Indian food!

2007-09-04T17:30:00.000-07:00

Ok, check it out... I've talked about it for YEARS, but www.recipezaar.com comes through for me again!

Butter Chicken, Recipe #88578

DELICIOUS!!

yum, yum, yum!

Try it, love it.

I did.

Hanging with the kids

2007-09-04T06:06:00.001-07:00

let the comedy ensue....

Just a little lovin' from Troy....
wait...
OW! (great shot, Jeff!)

Have I told you how much I love these kids????? They are so adorable together... and really just the sweetest!

We decided to take some stats on them since we had them together...

Shout Fest!

2007-09-04T05:46:00.000-07:00

Our little family attended a large Christian music fest down in MB Saturday. It was a lot of fun! We packed a lunch and rolled out some beach towels and just lounged in the grass listening to some widely different artists.

My favorite part? Watching Jeff and Bella chasing each other, playing catch and rolling around in the grass playing Bella's favorite game- tickle. They could have been on our living room floor for all the care they gave to the hundreds of smiling faces watching them. They were in their own world- daddy and daughter. You just gotta love.

(she dances like her father)
ha ha ha

Out of the mouth of babes.....

2007-08-26T15:48:00.000-07:00

How do you know you are succeeding as a parent?
I mean, really... it can't be measured by the number of spankings in a day- because there is definitely a free willed individual in play... and Bella has her bad days, too. ;)
It can't be measured by the number of praises received by strangers... children hardly ever behave the same with perfect strangers than their parents.

But there is a place where I believe success can be measured, at least, in part... in a child's imaginative play.
Bella is old enough now to send to her overcrowded room to play. Stuffed animals tumble from the baby cradle in her room and her doll house is home to many little friends. Her drawers are stuffed with balls, blocks and action figures. Most days the high-pitched little girl's voice can be heard sharing light banter between her dog, Baby, and her monkey. Last night, the same sweet voice was mimicking a lesson she learned from her father at the restaurant. She held her little animals as she said, "Sweetie, don't go past here... nope, don't do it! You will get hurt.... oh! You didn't listen!! You have to sit in time out... ("oh, no!" cried the baby animal)... You didn't listen to me, but I love you... You need to obey the rules... Like Buzby and Nemo." Ok, I don't remember Jeff making Nemo and Buzby the prime examples, but he had reminded her of some important rules in the restaurant and it made me incredibly proud of her that she understood it. In fact, it was so important to her that she was teaching her friends.

And isn't that the point? We are supposed to be loving, training and equipping our children to go out and influence the world. And in her world, there are several stuffed animals that have learned the important lesson of obeying the rules!

In many other ways she has emulated our love, patience, and sometimes, frustration with her friends. But it has blessed me so much to hear this innocent play... it has stopped me a couple times and put me in my place when I have heard too much of my own flesh coming through. I know I need His help everyday to be a good parent. Thank God for His Holy Spirit!

I thank God for Isabella Patrice Poms! She is an amazing treasure and blessing. She is growing up to be a sweet, pure, loving Christian (ballerina princess) ;)

God, may You help all of us to love with Your patient love those You have blessed us with- to see the wonderful being they are and the way they reflect You. Remind us of the importance to embrace them and teach them the wisdom of Your Word. Bless their lives to become all You desire. Help us to lead them there.

Yummies sweeten a yucky day

2007-08-23T11:05:00.000-07:00

Ok, so cooking has become a kind of obsession of mine (really, hobby is more fair)... the Food Network is on often and I am always searching our cooking books for something yummy to make.

Yesterday I reported wanting to hide in a cave (and I think that is Ok because many strong people have done that... ehem... David!) but after baking 3 batches of brownies for my aunt's 50th birthday shindig and making dinner for my family, I felt better.

Well, alright... she MAY have had something to do with feeling better, too...
;)

We licked a LOT of frosting!! :)

Hugs for friends

2007-08-22T05:19:00.000-07:00

So, now I am truly an at-home-mom... because my van's brakes are kaput... and with $1100 needed to fix them, it's just going to sit in the driveway for a couple of months.
So, I stay at home. Literally.

I enjoyed it the first week. It kind of took the pressure off to do things. The second week was alright, too- I cooked A LOT. Now, I think I am getting a little blue.

It's not that I am sad about not going out... I don't have many friends yet to miss seeing... but being inside is getting depressing. And with temperatures over 100* regularly that don't go away even when the sun does, it's hard to get outside.
And besides my turning Smurf-y, my little girl is (right this moment) playing with pine cones inside like they are dolls... she could use some inspiration.

It's time to get off my keester and start doing this thing called life, even if it means within the same 4 walls everyday.
It's time to shake it off and step up.

And to add to the misery a little, I just wish I could give some of you hugs. Some of you are going through things that are unfortunate and although I believe firmly God has a plan to rescue us all, the thing I wish I could do most is just give you a hug. So consider yourself HUGGED... with a little tight squeeze. God is our Redeemer. He will see us through.

Jeff's parents are coming down this weekend for a day and a half. It will be nice to see them. And my dad comes September 6th. I can't wait!!! The door is always open, guys. Myrtle Beach is a perfect vacation spot!

I am working out in our living room a lot these days... but all the cooking I have been doing is hindering my losing pounds capability. I go shopping this weekend, so I am going to buy gluten-free and healthy staples in which to cook with so I can start actually making headway with all this yoga and hula dancing. Phew!

Lots of love....
xxxOOOOOOOOOOxxxOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOxxxxx

PS I am making 4 different kinds of brownies for my aunt's 50th birthday party tonight... my poor hips!!! ;)

Things we have been up to....

2007-08-15T05:19:00.000-07:00

Boy, it's a good thing I didn't title this Blog something like "Daily Writings"! Because I have neglected it a little bit, and people may have been super sad to see me not write daily! (which is very saddening when someone does that... say, with photographs, even ;)

But, we have been super busy down here in these parts.... and I have pictures to prove it! :)

First, we have been renovating my mom's kitchen: (turn your head to the left, then right... those are walls missing! And then rebuilt)

And now we are VERY close to getting it finished! (Praise the Lord! Cupboards!!)

In other busy happenings, I had my cousin's son over for the day and we had lots of fun making a mess with shaving cream (props to Angela Bezilla for her influence here) and construction paper shapes. Bella was particularly *disgusted* with the shaving cream gig, which she very sincerely and honestly gets from her mom, but Troy was ecstatic! He even made a smiley face :D

We then played with construction paper shapes, which Bella clearly enjoyed more!

:)
more to come....

Facebook

2007-08-01T19:53:00.000-07:00

I like it!

Join it.

View it.
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=6363&l=ca1b3&id=619408237

Poke it.

Love it.

love you ;)
b

Random 'us' stuff

2007-07-30T05:33:00.000-07:00

My loves
:)
Things are falling into place down here for the Poms Family. Jeff begins working full-time at a chiropractor's office today (thank You, Jesus!). Today also marks the fourth day of an intense 90 day Extreme Workout Schedule that my mom and I started. (Ok, really? My mom started it, but I am going along for the ride- today it was walking/running at 6:15am. Ouch.)

Last night was the second week in a row that we visited with some new friends from our church. It was so wonderful! Brian (the first friend I made down here) invited us to a woman's house to hang out on Sunday nights. Dawn is the owner of a beautiful house that she opens up to almost anyone every Sunday evening. People from all kinds of Christian backgrounds come and eat dinner and dessert. There is something so powerful about meeting with other Christians... it's like extended family gatherings. They totally embraced us and the first night they just kind of listened to us talk about our overseas missions trips and stuff like that... I left completely embarassed to have talked so much, but they all were like "Hey! Jeff, Bianca!" when we came in last night that I think I am beginning to feel right at home.

God totally put me in my place yesterday with the sermon at church. I hope you are being challenged by God's Word in your church. It's scary, embarassing, shameful and mysteriously wonderful to know that God is in your life to grow you and make you more like Him. And you are never done. Thank You, Father, for being there yesterday. The Word was definitely for me!

Bella is doing very well. "She sounds very smart", my dad said over the phone. I say she is getting a bit of a smart mouth, if you know what I mean! (Praise God for 3 year olds!) ;)
She's also having a, um, good influence on her cousin, Troy?

Now I am off to landscape my grandma's yard.

LOVE YOU GUYS!
b

What's that sound, Bella???

Procrastination and organization

2007-07-24T11:06:00.001-07:00

Ok, these seem like opposites, but it takes a truly gifted person to perfect the art of doing both, at the same time. Enter ME the last week and a half.

Things on the list to do:
1. catch up on sleep (yeah, right!)
2. clean house
3. sow clothes
4. go to beach (yes, it actually needs to be planned, despite the illusion of a free schedule)
5. cook
6. do the bills
7. make a missions update/thank you letter
8. mail said letters
9. call a million people from back home that I miss
10. watch Pride and Prejudice (what can I say, it's just been on my heart....)
11. research home schooling in South Carolina

Things accomplished:
1. reading everyone's blogs and getting "caught up"- I LOVE YOUR BLOGS!! Keep blogging!
2. researched home schooling. quit after it seemed like it would rule my life
3. found a chore list on a home schooling site- organized my potential life
4. took a nap (on Sunday)
5. not much else.... :)

So, while I am WAY behind in things I should be accomplishing, #3 on the accomplishED list seemed to make me feel quite confident the rest would work out some day.

I miss my friends.
I miss my mission trip teenagers.
I probably miss you if you are reading this. Since calling is on the list of things I haven't accomplished... I miss you. I love you. Call me? :)

I miss my Mac

2007-07-21T10:16:00.000-07:00

Just thought I'd share.

I am trying to create a "tell all" missions letter to share the incredible whirlwind that was Guatemala with those who supported me through prayer and donations. It's just that I now work on a, what is this thing called... acer? Acer? Can that really be it? Maybe the name is listed somewhere else... Acer?
Well anyway, I just miss the speed, creativity and ease of my old Mac.

Hmmmm.... my Mac.

Hopefully God will give me another one.

Back to life in the slow lane...

2007-07-18T12:26:00.000-07:00

It's amazing the fast pace of life as a missionary on a week long trip! So much happened to impact eternity in such a short time! The teenagers we lead were AMAZING! Truly! I was SO impressed! Nearly half the team came down with varying stages of the Big D and only one stayed back at the hotel to recoup for half a day (and quite unwillingly! Yea Dean!).

San Pedro, Guatemala is probably the most beautiful place I have ever been. I have never been surrounded on all sides by such beautiful, lush mountains (and volcanoes!). I miss looking up and seeing the wonderful landscape of mountains.

My sister has been visiting and just left today. I am cleaning, reorganizing and trying to rest, so more details and stories from the trip later. (Including a miraculous recovery of my passport...for real!)

I love you guys, and thanks for reading and keeping in touch!

Another Wonder of the World: San Pedro, Guatemala

This one was for Jeff: (what sweeties!)

Lively Discussions

2007-06-27T07:44:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I am waiting at the hotel in Dallas for Pastor Tim to come in from Chicago so we can start this thang... this 2 1/2 week adventure sharing the Word of God with people in Guatemala.

What a way to start... defending faith in the Holy Spirit! I don't often like to get super "preachy", you know, like my wonderful hubby.... Ok, maybe sometimes I do. As I wait I find there are responses by the Vineyard Church pastor on the church's discussion forum to posts I placed.

Interesting.

Join the discussion if you like: http://forum.seacoastvineyard.com/index.php
My login is Bianca (Jeff says that is bold, but what do I have to hide? ;)
Oh, and if you can't figure it out, Jeff's is KnowYourGod.

I kind of don't like addressing these topics with the pastor like this... we haven't met yet, due to circumstances we can't control. I am TOTALLY going to connect with him when I get back. Until then we try figuring these things out through posts...

I hope I am making Pastor Hoban proud. :)

What a way to start off a mission trip! I gotta tell ya, God is really cool!

Love ya'all!

bianca

OH... check out our progress in Guatemala at:
http://guatemalamission07.googlepages.com/

The laundry has piled up

2007-06-23T07:04:00.000-07:00

Both figuratively (5 LARGE loads) and real...physi...non-figuratively. (There's a better word, right? I can't think.)

Ok, so I leave for a 2 1/2 week trip in, like, 3 days. I haven't packed. I haven't finished shopping. I have read the leadership manual, raised the money and started watching Dora the Explorer to learn Spanish (seriously, she ROCKS!). My head's just not in it, although my heart feels ready. Weird, huh?

I think to be more accurate I should say my spirit is ready. My spirit is actually pumped! I can feel it well up within me just thinking about the teenagers, villagers and children we are going to be talking to about Jesus. I feel like I was born for this stuff, and in reality we all are (if we have been born again). Our hearts, minds and soul can sometimes dread evangelizing, but the Spirit say "ROCK ON! LET'S DO IT!"

I can't say much more because I just can't put it into words, but read 1 Corinthians. God will reveal Himself through supernatural ways on this earth. My questions are these:
Do you believe it?
Will you believe it?
Are you ready for it?
Do you know how He wants to use YOU?

?
til then....
love,
b

Jeff's Online Photo Album

2007-06-17T17:50:00.001-07:00

Photobucket Album

Lex would be so proud....

2007-06-14T10:49:00.000-07:00

Bella is taking pictures.

Naturally, I think she's a genius.

I just don't think I am alone.

First, a little instruction:

Then, she's off:

Can you see how she captured the late-afternoon grump of my mom's dog?

Genius.

Is this horse posing, or did she skillfully click at just the right moment?

Great profile.

There must be something about this chair that moves her. Some simplistic metaphor for our lives that she sees peering through the lens.

Do you see it?

It's art, so if you don't, don't feel bad.

;)

Ah, yes. And this one.

Clearly this one emulates the Omnipresence of God. See how the positioning of the camera denotes a view as if looking down upon? Her angle use here is truly advanced.

No charge for these prints, but I am confident that there will be a gallery selling these powerfully insightful photos soon.

At least you can say "I knew her when"... :P

I gave Bella a haircut....

2007-06-13T05:30:00.001-07:00

A haircut. I cut her hair. Off.

I don't do stuff like that. I am too much of a perfectionist that I would probably cut it all off upon finding one uneven end, or at very least stop halfway through and take her to a stylist.

But I did it. I gave Bella a haircut. What a truly "mom" thing to do.

It was so cute. She was perched on a kitchen chair in her little booster and I had a towel wrapped around her. Moe and the Big Exit was on the T.V. I sat in a chair and started spraying her hair down with a gigantic H2O spray bottle I found under the sink. She sat perfectly still and I started separating the hair on top like I have seen my stylist friend Terese do a million times. I took the comb, drew up her hair and brought the scissors down. I was confident I could cut it; petrified she would end up with a poodle do. (If you know that story please quietly laugh to yourself. It wasn't that funny to live through, Ok?) ;)

In the end? Perfection! (of course) Her hair is all trimmed up in the back and nothing is catastrophically astray. (Thank You, Jesus!)
She is so adorable, though, come on! What could I have possibly done to really mess that up?

In other domestic ventures:
I sewed a skirt and am working on 2 or 3 more for Guatemala. This new talent is coming out of necessity, but it is fun to do. I like creating things with my hands. It's soothing and rewarding. I want to make a few pairs of capris and maybe a simple dress before I go.

Yesterday was a full day: I made an egg salad picnic lunch for the beach, unloaded and loaded dishes, left overs for dinner, laundry and a Life Cell Group. All-in-all a pretty successful day.

Well, on to the next adventure. Oh, and my forecast is abundantly sunny! What's yours?

Loves

Hot South Carolina Sun

2007-06-08T17:38:00.001-07:00

If you've been here, you know what I mean.

Today I spent three hours raising money for my trip to Guatemala by weeding my aunt's flower beds. I was able to avoid the direct sun, and the morning was "cool", so that wasn't so bad. It was when I returned home to 6 more hours of moving tubs and rearranging the few boxes that hold our life's possessions into my mom's sheds that it got hot. And by hot, I mean drippy, skin glistening, starting to get delirious hot.
At one point I was able to justify the 3 frozen cheesecake bites (Ok, 6) I took from the fridge as certainly earned due to the many calories I was burning, only to learn that the sweating wasn't burning so many calories as dehydrating me (hence the delirium mentioned before).

But at the end of the day, with my eyes barely open, I am still so happy I live in a sunny, hot place. At least the beach is never too far away when I really need to cool down!

:)
Love you guys, and VISIT SOON!

b

Man, you guys can PRAY!

2007-06-06T20:03:00.000-07:00

I just want to say THANK YOU to those out there who talked to God today on my behalf! I just got two donations for my missions trip to Guatemala! And the ball is rollin'. My God is SO GOOD!

If I can add a few things to the list... since you are such fantastic prayers :) ... Lots of people interested in free stuff and who want to start a vacation plan for their family (like 20 people per week for Jeff), a good part-time job for Jeff, someone to figure out what's up with Jeff's non-working scooter, friends for Bella and I, and good weather for a garage sale next weekend. And because I know God loves me, and He listens to you ;), Jeff and I would like boogie boards so we can surf the super great waves! Ok, seriously, you haven't seen them. They were HUGE today!

:D

Love y'all ( ;) just for you, Texan girl!)
b

Abundantly Sunny

2007-06-06T10:05:00.000-07:00

Ok... so I am now a 'southernah'. I LOVE it!
Jeff was mentioning today how perfect this is... we live by the beach (Myrtle, to be precise) and the forecast today is my favorite kind: abundantly sunny. Abundantly. Sunny. I now have two favorite words!! :)

I am also now a homemaker. (To be fair, I think I was before... I just get to actually STAY home now, which is SWEET!) More time with Bella... more time to hang out in the ABUNDANT SUNSHINE... more time to hang with God and pray. This is going to be awesome!

One last thing... I am going to Guatemala with about 100 teens in a couple weeks (June 27-July 14). Pray for me, the team, the Gospel to go forth with power, and for my family staying home (especially my lil Boo, Bella). Also throw in a word with the Big Guy for the rest of the finances... maybe He could sell one of those cattle??
Love ya all! ;)
COME VISIT!